[ A rumbling laughter fills the square, beginning low and sinister and ending up... boomingly loud but not quiiiite low-pitched enough to be convincingly menacing.

The large black cube in the middle of the square seems to think it should be menacing, though. He rocks energetically on one tip, his single red eye wide and glinting in the rusty light. ]

That's right! The one who will rule this city is... me, Leopard!

[ The tips of his casing waggle energetically, and he spins in place as if making a grand gesture of taking in his city. ]

It's only natural, after all. I'm the most qualified, the smartest, the most handsome, the most impressive! It's obvious that everyone would want me in charge. Any second now, people are sure to burst into a spontaneous parade celebrating my arrival. And there's bound to be heartfelt letters, too. Let's see, they could be Dear Leopard -- no, that's too casual for the ruler of a city like this. More like... Dear Spectacular Leopard! I like the sound of that! [ Oh god the tips of his casing are waggling with even more self-important adulation now. ] Empty city, my ass! Once everyone finds out that I'm here, they're sure to come back -- running back!

Hey! You! Don't you have some monument to my perfection to start working on?

[ In a corner of the palace, the spectacular Leopard is scooping a bag of red dust into a small cloth sachet, then dunking the bag into a dingy, chipped teacup full of broken water. Where did he acquire the tea cup? Ah, he just has a knack for acquiring junk… ]

Ah, the fragrant rooibos, not a truly refined or classical blend, but in the depths of this internetless hell a world-class tea meister must seek out the best that he can. Yes, yes, I can smell the earthy, woody taste of the bush from some place no one cares about, freshly plucked and then left here to stagnate – clearly, no one here had a palette as refined as mine. I have taken up a great and burdensome task of my own design, but one more important than anything given by invisible voices! Yes! I, Leopard, shall teach this city how to appreciate tea! Bow before me, not only as the greatest being in this city, but as its greatest tea connoisseur!

[ The pile of red dirt continues to steep ineffectually. ]